My Husband Broke Me

I know this is personal, but at this point I really don’t care…

As I’m writing this I feel defeated, like I’m lost in limbo. Waking up everyday is a current struggle for me. My husband cheated on me from 2017 until the middle of 2018, and I can’t get it out of my head. I keep thinking about it constantly. I separated from him once, almost twice because of it.

Everyday there is a constant battle within me, should I leave him permanently or should I stay? He apologized profusely, but yet I can’t forgive him. He cheated on me for over a year, and if I had not caught him, it probably would’ve continued.

The funny thing is, I’m one of those people that if the tables have turned and this happened to someone else, I would’ve yelled at them for staying with their significant other. Instead, I’m staying. I love him still, I do. But because what he did, I’m losing it.

I’ve never felt this broken before and depressed by something. I know what I should do, but I don’t know if I can. The other night we were laying in bed, and I told him that I felt really fucked up in the head. That I feel depressed, and I need to see a therapist about all of this. He got mad at me because of the way I feel. He’s a master manipulator, I don’t know if he’s to the extent of an emotional abuser, but he’s something.

I have so many thoughts in my head, but at the same time I’m struggling to understand any of this. I’m honestly so tired and I can barely function anymore. Should I forgive what he did? I don’t think I can ever forgive nor forget. It’s harder because the person that he cheated on me with confronted me last month with more news. This devastated me even more, and brought up the almost second separation. He denies everything that she says, except for the part that he had phone sex with her for over a year. Which just sickens me. I mean who does that? If you’re feeling a certain way, then tell me. Don’t go off and fool around with someone else. That’s just downright disgusting.

I am a novelist, that is what I do and right now, with what he did, I lost my mojo. I have no ambition at all to write anything. It took all my might to even write this. I don’t expect anyone to comment or like my post, but I needed to get this out of my system.

He made me feel like it was my fault, that he cheated. He said that he was lonely and we weren’t being intimate. He’s a tattoo artist, so he constantly tattoos women. A lot of them attractive, so will I ever be able get over what he did? Could he do it again? He keeps saying that he regrets it, and that he would never do it again. All he wants to do is put this all behind him. I’m so glad it’s so easy for him to just forget about it. Of course he would say that, he’s the cheater.

I’m sorry if I’m ranting about this, but I’m hurting and I feel broken. I feel like I lost everything. My best friend cheated on me. For over a year nonetheless. That’s probably the hardest part. What drives someone to really do that to their partner? It is beyond me. I’m just not right these days. I feel like I’m running on fumes, like I’m in a fog.

M.

Caught!

This blog is about the woman and my husband who’ve been messaging/chatting. I’ve been married to this man for fours years and been with him for the last seven years.

A woman comes out of the blue and ruins my marriage. Supposedly this woman is also married with kids. Why the fuck would she target my husband out of every other man out there? Maybe it’s because he’s a tattoo artist. So it supposedly started months ago. My husband is just as at fault as this woman is because he was texting her back and talking to her for months.

Last Thursday everything changed and knew something was going on. I received a text in the morning saying “He better not be more then a friend and touch you inappropriately. He better not smack your ass either.” Okay now when I saw this I was like what the fuck! So of course I confronted him about it, and of course he changed his story. Not once, not twice, but three times. That’s how I found out that he was texting this woman. He swore that he never cheated on me and that they were just friends. But the last couple of weeks they were flirting. He begged and pleaded with me to forgive him and that he never cheated on me. I couldn’t right away, it hurt too much. I mean come on this is my husband and he’s talking to another woman and he got caught. Friday I forgave him. I made him promise to not talk to this woman ever again. So a week went by and things were going pretty well, but something wasn’t right. Do you ever have this feeling that something is off?

When I came home from work yesterday, I decided to check my phone records. Fortunately for me, the records are in my name so I can check texts and calls. I knew something was going on when I checked the phone records. Boom, there it was in black and white. He was still talking to the bitch and he was talking to her on the phone as well as texting. He doesn’t even call me on the phone, but he can call her and talk about an hour. When I saw these texts and calls I wanted to freak out, but I didn’t! I was pissed yeah, but I knew something was going on. I wasn’t born yesterday. I couldn’t wait however, to confront him. He wasn’t going to be home for hours, so I had to pre-occupy myself, so I went to yoga. That didn’t really help, I couldn’t stop thinking about what he did me, and to our marriage.

Finally he pulls up and he walks in the house. I’m sitting there on the couch with tears running down my cheeks. He’s like uh what’s going on. I ask him if he’s talking to that other woman and he says NO. No do you believe that? I ask him one more time, and again he says no. That’s when I pulled the phone records out on him. Can you believe he still denied it, but then said that they were just friends. How can friends talk for 24/7 and if she was a friend, how come I didn’t meet her??? I’m totally confused by this response. Does he peg me for an idiot or what? I yelled, I screamed and I cried. He said he fucked up and that he wasn’t going to talk to her anymore. No shit you fucked up! I told him I was done and that I want to separate.

This morning he texted me good morning and before I even responded to him I checked the phone records again, and guess what?! HE MESSAGED HER AGAIN!! He messaged her last night right after he promised he wouldn’t. He texted her three times! Dude what the fuck is wrong with you?! Have you no morals? I don’t get this guy at all! What kind of man did I marry!?