My Husband Broke Me

I know this is personal, but at this point I really don’t care…

As I’m writing this I feel defeated, like I’m lost in limbo. Waking up everyday is a current struggle for me. My husband cheated on me from 2017 until the middle of 2018, and I can’t get it out of my head. I keep thinking about it constantly. I separated from him once, almost twice because of it.

Everyday there is a constant battle within me, should I leave him permanently or should I stay? He apologized profusely, but yet I can’t forgive him. He cheated on me for over a year, and if I had not caught him, it probably would’ve continued.

The funny thing is, I’m one of those people that if the tables have turned and this happened to someone else, I would’ve yelled at them for staying with their significant other. Instead, I’m staying. I love him still, I do. But because what he did, I’m losing it.

I’ve never felt this broken before and depressed by something. I know what I should do, but I don’t know if I can. The other night we were laying in bed, and I told him that I felt really fucked up in the head. That I feel depressed, and I need to see a therapist about all of this. He got mad at me because of the way I feel. He’s a master manipulator, I don’t know if he’s to the extent of an emotional abuser, but he’s something.

I have so many thoughts in my head, but at the same time I’m struggling to understand any of this. I’m honestly so tired and I can barely function anymore. Should I forgive what he did? I don’t think I can ever forgive nor forget. It’s harder because the person that he cheated on me with confronted me last month with more news. This devastated me even more, and brought up the almost second separation. He denies everything that she says, except for the part that he had phone sex with her for over a year. Which just sickens me. I mean who does that? If you’re feeling a certain way, then tell me. Don’t go off and fool around with someone else. That’s just downright disgusting.

I am a novelist, that is what I do and right now, with what he did, I lost my mojo. I have no ambition at all to write anything. It took all my might to even write this. I don’t expect anyone to comment or like my post, but I needed to get this out of my system.

He made me feel like it was my fault, that he cheated. He said that he was lonely and we weren’t being intimate. He’s a tattoo artist, so he constantly tattoos women. A lot of them attractive, so will I ever be able get over what he did? Could he do it again? He keeps saying that he regrets it, and that he would never do it again. All he wants to do is put this all behind him. I’m so glad it’s so easy for him to just forget about it. Of course he would say that, he’s the cheater.

I’m sorry if I’m ranting about this, but I’m hurting and I feel broken. I feel like I lost everything. My best friend cheated on me. For over a year nonetheless. That’s probably the hardest part. What drives someone to really do that to their partner? It is beyond me. I’m just not right these days. I feel like I’m running on fumes, like I’m in a fog.

M.

Review # 10

 

loreen

 

For this review I’m doing it on the book Loreen On The Lam: A Tennessee Mystery, by Marielena Zuniga. I gave this book three stars. The story was pretty good, but the way it was written was not.

*SPOIL ALERT*

The story starts out with Loreen, a woman in her young twenties, from what I gathered,  breaking out of prison. She meets up with a man that she was supposedly “sleeping with” at his garage and she steals Josh Montgomery’s tour bus.

Loreen breaks out of jail, because she receives a letter from her mama, telling her that she is dying and she doesn’t have much time left.

Loreen takes the bus and drives as fast as she could to her mama, but along the way she meets Tilly. Tilly is on the side of the ride crying and she needs a ride, to get rid of her abusive cop husband. Loreen now takes on the responsibility of this woman. They go on their way, when they meet a mute bible salesman, Splat. However, it turns out Splat isn’t who he said he was. He was a murderer and was on the way to murder Josh Montgomery. What a coincidence.

There are two parts of the story: one is Loreens, and the other takes place in the 80’s and has something to do with her grandfather Mac. Mac robbed a bank with some other people and hid the money and jewels in a cave back in the 80’s. These bad people were trying to look for this treasure, but Mac wouldn’t give it up and tell them where it was. They even threatened to hurt Loreen, when she was a little girl, but Mac still wouldn’t budge.

Meanwhile, Loreen was a woman who broke out of jail, and brought along two other people, now ran into a nun who was broke down in the middle of night. Loreen went out to get her, but Splat turned the gun on her and the nun. Loreen knew he was trouble. Splat made the nun get on the bus.

Throughout the story, all Loreen is trying to do is get home to her dying mama. Obstacles keep on getting in her way.

When Loreen finally makes it home to her destination, she goes to her mama and she is pretty much gone. She tells her that she loves her and apologizes for the daughter that she has become. She kisses her one last time. Her mama’s caregiver gives her a letter containing information where the money and jewels were. Mac wrote it back in the 80’s when he thought he would disappear, because of all the threats made against him. He was presumed dead, and was never seen again.

Loreen was on her way to the cave when Splat went after her with a twist Josh Montgomery, they were heading to kill Josh Montgomery’s wife. They were going to pin it on Loreen. However, when they got there, his wife wasn’t dumb and nailed Splat. His wife listened to Loreen’s story. She was her get out of jail free card.

The end of the story, Splat and Josh Montgomery go to jail for trying to kill his wife. Tilly and the nun are free from the chaos that happened. Loreen finds the money and jewels and returns them. Josh’s wife, gets Loreen off so she doesn’t have to do any time. The biggest shock for me in this story, was that Mac was indeed alive, but dying with the same thing her mama had.

I only gave this story three stars because of the way the book was written. The grammar and spelling were a mess. The story however, was good. Sometimes though, it took a while to get through. Some of the parts were boring. It took me months to get through it.

Have a great weekend!

M.

Hard to hear

I’m writing in hopes that the woman my husband was speaking to for over a year would come forward. I just want to speak to her and get some things off my chest and ask her a few things.

My husband is acting strange again. For those of you who don’t know my situation. In July I found out my husband was talking to someone else for over a year and we separated, but we got back together.

Lately, he’s being the same way he was before I found out. He’s shady with his phone and he’s coming to bed super late like he used to.

This will always be in the back of my mind because of what happened before with him. I don’t know if I can ever trust him again.

Review # 9

 

fifty shades

 

my newest review is about the book Grey by E L James. This book is in Christian Grey’s point of view. I did read the Fifty Shade’s books when they first came out and I did enjoy them. However, as I became a writer, I noticed that I didn’t really care for them as much.

When I read Grey, I struggled to get through it. I just wasn’t into it, but I am not one of those people that can toss a book by the way side, so I reluctantly finished it. I am giving this book three stars. It did not hold my interest and it took me a really long time to finish it, although it was a pretty fast read. I found myself over it and over all the sexual escapades that was going on.

*SPOIL ALERT*

The story goes if you don’t know it already. Christian Grey, a wealthy man in his twenties who owns his own huge corporation meets Anastasia Steele, a twenty something college student.

Christian is all about finding a submission for his sexual lifestyle to succumb to his every need. However, when he meets Ana all bets are off. He finds himself having feelings for her, feelings that he’s not used to. He can’t stay away from her and he wants her all to himself.

That’s basically the gist of it. the story line was pretty good, but the writing style just wasn’t my cup of tea.

Nominated 2019 Choice Awards

Hey y’all!

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve been on here and I’m back. I had a slew of things going on in my personal and professional life. I hope everyone is doing well and having a happy new year so far!!

I wanted to let you know that I’ve been nominated for a 2019 Readers Choice Awards for my novel The Betrayal!! I’m very excited!

Click below to vote for me! I’m in genre YA/Middle Grade and it’s on page 12. I appreciate any help and please share! Thank you everyone!

https://www.tckpublishing.com/2019-readers-choice-voting-page/

Review # 8

For this book review I decided to review What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty. I gave this book a five-star rating. I absolutely loved this book and I thought it was an amazing concept of a story. I’m actually jealous that I didn’t think of this when I was writing.

WARNING: Spoil Alert

Alice Love is a twenty-nine year old woman, happily married to her husband Nick and expecting their first child together. Or so she thought!

Alice woke up on the gym floor not knowing where she was. Her spin class friends tell her that she had fainted. She hit her head so hard that she’s forgotten the last ten years of her life. She thought she was still pregnant with her first child and married to her husband. When in actuality, she had three children and now she is separated from the love of her life.

Alice is rushed to the hospital not knowing what is happening. Nobody looks familiar to her, but yet everyone knows her. They call her sister Elisabeth and she doesn’t rush to her side. She calls Nick, but he screams at her. She feels lost and confused. Supposedly all of her relationships crumbled.

Eventually Elisabeth comes to the hospital and Alice realizes that her sister doesn’t seem the same. She’s older, stiff, and cold towards her. They used to have such a wonderful relationship. Elisabeth is flabbergasted by her memory loss. She thought she was faking it, but soon realizes that she is not.

Her mother Barb comes to the hospital and finds out that she was married to Roger, which is Nick’s father. They proceed to tell her that she has three children and Alice is about to lose her mind. She still thinks it’s 2008 and pregnant with her first child.

The doctors send her home, figuring she will regain her memory any day. Her kids are with Nick for the weekend, so Alice doesn’t have to worry about them yet. She’s noticing little flashes here and there of memories, but has no idea what they are or if they are even real. Her sister tries to fill in blanks for her, but has no idea of anything. She’s supposedly dating someone named Dominick, that’s the principal of her kids school. She’s so confused and just wants Nick back. She asks everyone where they went wrong, but nobody can tell her why.

When the weekend came to an end, she anxiously waited for her kids, whom she doesn’t remember and her Nick. She goes outside to greet them and she’s stunned to find out how much they are just like her and Nick with a mix of their own personalities. When she sees Nick, she wants to run to him, but he doesn’t want anything to do with her. They make small talk and he realized that she still has no memory. He’s concerned and asks if he should take the kids and she said no.

As the week unfolds she finds out many interesting things. She had a best friend Gina, who lived next door. They were supposedly inseparable. It turns out that Gina was killed in a freak accident, when a tree landed on her car at a stop sign. Alice and her daughter Madison witnessed the whole thing because they were following her from the gym.

She finds out that Gina’s husband Mike, was caught kissing another woman and that destroyed their marriage, which in turn destroyed Alice and Nick’s marriage.

With Alice losing her memory, she convinces Nick to give her a shot and she tries to break it off with Dominick. She just wants her life back to the way it once was. She discovered in a span of a week, how much she loves her kids and is willing to do anything for them. Supposedly the old Alice was somewhat a cold hearted bitch. Now she has this fresh attitude that everyone likes. They wonder and she wonders if her memory will ever come back.

Alice organized this event that featured the world’s largest lemon meringue pie. It was supposedly Gina’s favorite pie and Alice did this event in honor of her. She convinced a bunch of mother’s and businesses to get together  to help her with this process. Their was a band there set to play all Elvis songs, which Gina loved. All of a sudden Alice felt weird, she was weak in the knees, and she was about to pass out. Nick and Dominick came to her aid for they could see something was wrong. As she laid there for a brief moment, she remembered. She remembered EVERYTHING. All the memories came back to her like a flood. Pouring into her. Her kids being born, her best friend Gina, her and Nick’s marriage, and Dominick. She looked at Nick and Dominick and she flinched. Nick knew she regained her memory and walked away.

Flash forward a few years. It turned out that Alice ended up with Nick after all. I was shocked and I was relieved. I thought the ending of this story was great and I was rooting for their relationship to work out. They surprised her with breakfast in bed and she was happy as can be. The knock on her head was a curse but it turned out to be a blessing.

Also a side note that I didn’t really mention. Her sister Elisabeth and her husband were trying to get pregnant for years and did IVF and every time it failed. They were older and Elisabeth was tired of trying. She and her husband were constantly fighting now and it was starting to ruin their marriage. They decided to stop the treatments, but they had to do their last round first. Elisabeth received the news that she was pregnant. She was devastated, figuring she was going to lose this baby as well.

She didn’t! She ended up having a daughter. Alice and her sister became really close again, as they once were ten years prior.

I loved this story, I really praise the author!

 

September Blues

This is the worst September I ever had to deal with in my life…

On September 1st, I thought my life just went up 110%. I found out I was pregnant. I never thought I could get pregnant. My husband and I have tried for over 4 years and never anything. We decided to do the fertility way and do some hormones, and all that did was make my periods a hundred times worse. We stopped doing the hormones and stopped trying all together. That was back in January.

When August came, I realized that I was late. I was due for my monthly on July 18th. I just thought it was a fluke thing, I didn’t think anything more about it. By mid August, I started feeling weird. Dizzy, nauseated, and my boobs were hurting. I thought well maybe I’ll just take a test to be on the safe side. It came out negative. I’m like okay then, my periods are usually pretty whacky anyway. I put it in the back of my mind.

When September 1st came around, I woke up feeling okay. It wasn’t until a few hours later that I started feeling pretty terrible. I felt dizzy and felt like I was going to pass out. I went out to breakfast and went out afterwards and I just felt out of it. I had to make a Target run to get a few things, and while I was there I had a dizzy spell. I almost passed out. I grabbed a few things and another pregnancy test and went home.

I got home and peed on the stick. A few minutes later I was stunned. I couldn’t believe it. The plus sign really threw me off. You should’ve seen me, I’m like no way, no way! I was running around the house like a mad woman. I was so happy and confused at the same time.

I called my husband and I told him. He was shocked and super happy about it. At that moment in time I was supposed to be about 6 or 7 weeks. I called my OB and they wanted to see me the following week, but I decided to call the fertility doctor since I was going through them with the hormones, however, wasn’t using them. They wanted me to come in right away to get a blood test to confirm.

By the afternoon, they called me and it was confirmed. I was pregnant. I let my husband know and my parents. I didn’t really want to tell anyone else, until I knew for sure with the ultrasound. They wanted me to come in a few days later to get one, to see how far along I was.

When that day came, I was so nervous and excited. I couldn’t wait to see what it looked like. My husband and I arrived and I put the gown on and we waited for the doctor to come in. He came in and asked me a ton of questions and what to eat and what not to eat. I laid down on the table and I was ready for the ultrasound. He proceeded and he wasn’t saying anything. I just thought maybe he was concentrating. A few minutes later, he told us that he didn’t see anything. I was shocked, I didn’t think that would be the words that would’ve been coming out of his mouth. I never even thought of that. I was upset, but he said not to give up hope and that he wanted to see me three days later.

Three days later, we went back again, and again I changed into the gown. A different doctor did the ultrasound, and again, he said he saw nothing. With where I was number wise, I should’ve been about 7 weeks and they should’ve seen the baby on the screen. We left heart-broken. They scared me by saying that my pregnancy could be an ectopic pregnancy. I was a nervous wreck and freaked out, thinking this thing could kill me. They wanted to wait a couple more days and draw blood.

Later on I get a phone call that my numbers were excellent. So that gave me some spark of hope. They called me to come back in to check again. We both agreed to come back.

My original doctor did the ultrasound and he finally saw something, which looked to be a sac. It was small but it was there, and that gave me some hope. I got more blood work, and he called later telling me that my numbers weren’t good and that he thought this pregnancy wasn’t viable. I needed to come back again! So we went back again, and the sac was still there but it was so tiny. It didn’t grow. He proceeded to tell me that the good news it was in the uterus and not ectopic, but the bad news, its not a viable pregnancy. My mom was with me at this time, and she was so excited. Her face dropped when he said that. We both left there upset.

My next step was to come in and fill out papers to take a medicine that was inserted to bring on a miscarriage. At this point, I wanted to get this over with. I felt like I’ve been through the wringer. I inserted the medicine a few days ago, and it took about 7 hours for it to kick in. I had really bad cramps and I started bleeding. I’m thinking that this is it. I have a whole day of bleeding and cramps. The doctor tells me to come in to make sure everything has passed.

So I go in, and guess what? It didn’t work! I’m like this shit is a pain in the ass. So now I’ll have to get a D&C. They told me I can take the pills again, but I feel like that’s such a waste of time. I just want to get this over with. I feel like shit, and I’m so tired. This makes me not even want to have any kids, because of this experience. All I’ve received was bad news.

This was really personal to me, but I wanted to share this experience, because I’m sure there are other women that are going through this. It hurts a lot to know the your baby isn’t viable, but it hurts more when you’re carrying it around. I know there are women out there that have it worse then me. There are women that find out there baby has no heartbeat and there about 5 months or more into their pregnancy.

That’s all I have to say right now…I’ll update later when everything is done.

M.

Review # 7

dark matter

 

This week my review is the novel Dark Matter by Blake Crouch. When I first started reading this book, it got my attention. Some books are hard for me to get into, but not this book. Very good and very different.

#Spoil Alert

This book follows Jason Dessen, a physicist teacher at a college. He has the perfect life: a wife, a son, a warm house to come home to in Chicago, IL. What he doesn’t know, is that everything is about to change. His wife Daniella convinces him to go out to a bar to have a drink with his friend Ryan. On his way home, he decides to take a different way and grab some ice cream so he can enjoy it with his family. Suddenly someone approaches him with a gun in the shadows. He doesn’t see his face. He tells Jason to get into his car and drive to an abandoned warehouse. When they get there, Jason is beside himself. He doesn’t understand what this guy wants. He starts to beg and plead for his life. The other guy then tells him to take off all his clothes and walk down a dark hallway. Jason does as he is told. They arrive at a dark area and the guy tells him to put on some clothes and then injects him with a serum.

Jason falls asleep and when he wakes up, he doesn’t know where he’s at. He’s in a building that looks like a scientists wet dream. A man runs over to him, excitedly. He kept saying ‘oh my god it worked!’ Jason had no idea where he was and who this guy was. He asks Jason all kinds of questions about this portal, and Jason is confused.

He comes to realize that this other person that kidnapped him, was his other self. On the opposite vortex there was another Jason, who did all he dreamed of. But he made this portal that can transport you into another parallel universe. The other Jason was home with his wife and son and this Jason was here at the lab, confused.

Jason decides to go back into this portal with syringes that contain a solution that will help him crossover. When he goes back in, it’s a long dark hallway. He continues walking and sees dozens of doors. He doesn’t know yet what the purpose is of these doors, so he keeps on walking. Eventually he walks through one of the doors, he’s trying to get back to his home. As he goes through the door, his world is completely different. His house has changed, and things are different even with his wife and son. He doesn’t understand what has happened and why things have changed.

The whole book is Jason going through various worlds to find HIS world. He’s tired, upset, lonely, and he misses his family.

#Warning: Don’t read if you don’t want to know the ending

By the end of the book, Jason has one ampule left to take. He figured out a formula to finally get back to his world. He outsmarts the hundreds of other Jason’s that have arrived (Which I still don’t know how that happened). He gets Daniella to believe that he his the real Jason and she believes him. They go to a cabin in Wisconsin I believe and take shelter to figure out to get rid of the Jason impostors.

At the end Jason takes the last ampule with his wife and son. Jason told his son to conjure up something beautiful in his mind and then they would walk through a door.

I gave this book four stars, only because some things I were confused about. If you like science fiction, you should read this book. It really makes you think!

Purrrfect

My husband and I decided to rescue three kittens, and I’m in love! They are the cutest. After Memphis passed away, his brother Mr. Miyagi was devastated. He seemed depressed and was missing his brother. we waited over a month before deciding to get another kitten. I thought maybe if we got a kitten, it would get him out of his funk.

The day that we went to look at the kittens, I was a nervous wreck. I had no idea how my other cat would react to a kitten. Miyagi is a very sweet cat and loves everyone and he loves our two dogs. Sometimes he likes to sleep with them, especially Buddy, our bulldog.

We went to the foster house where the kittens were and we saw them and my heart melted. I was only looking for one kitten, possibly two, but not three. We were playing with them and they were a boost of energy. One kitten was all black, and the other two were a mix of black and tiger stripes. They were supposedly all sisters. So when we saw them, we knew that we had to get all three. I didn’t want to rip them apart.

We brought them home and locked them in one of our spare bedrooms, gave them food, water, a litter box and a nice cozy blanket. The first night, my husband slept with them. Of course almost every day since we got them, he’s been sleeping with them. By the second or third day, they started to get comfortable with us. They’re climbing all over me and meow and whenever I come in. It’s the cutest thing ever. It makes my heart smile.

We put a gate up in the hallway, so we could introduce our other cat to him. Of course he was hissing at them, but after a few days the hissing subsided. Now he comes and visits them on a regular basis, by jumping over the gate and into their room. The kittens can now also climb over the gate and they go into our bedroom. They’re starting to explore more and play a lot. The cat doesn’t seem to mind so much these days, just if they get too close, he hisses.

We also decided to introduce one of our dogs Zoe. She’s a Cairn Terrier, so she’s kind of small. As soon as she saw them, she wanted to play with them. We had the gate there so she couldn’t get to them. The kittens didn’t like her. They were hissing at her.

A couple days later, they were all in the same room, and they got along. We have brought Buddy up one time, behind the gate and the kittens didn’t like him much. He barked and sneezed in their faces. They obviously didn’t like that. We’re limiting our time with Buddy for now. We don’t think he’ll do anything, but he’s jealous and he doesn’t like change. He’s a momma’s boy, so he doesn’t want another animal coming along taking over haha I think he’s harmless though. Eventually, I think they’ll all get along. Maybe even play together. I thought it was cute that all the kittens, Zoe, and Miyagi were all in the same room. I’m really enjoying these three babies and can’t wait to see what the future will be with all animals together. I also hope that Miyagi will get out of his funk. This morning, he was actually playing with toys. I was so happy! I’d like to introduce you to Gypsy, Bella, and Stella Rose!

Caught!

This blog is about the woman and my husband who’ve been messaging/chatting. I’ve been married to this man for fours years and been with him for the last seven years.

A woman comes out of the blue and ruins my marriage. Supposedly this woman is also married with kids. Why the fuck would she target my husband out of every other man out there? Maybe it’s because he’s a tattoo artist. So it supposedly started months ago. My husband is just as at fault as this woman is because he was texting her back and talking to her for months.

Last Thursday everything changed and knew something was going on. I received a text in the morning saying “He better not be more then a friend and touch you inappropriately. He better not smack your ass either.” Okay now when I saw this I was like what the fuck! So of course I confronted him about it, and of course he changed his story. Not once, not twice, but three times. That’s how I found out that he was texting this woman. He swore that he never cheated on me and that they were just friends. But the last couple of weeks they were flirting. He begged and pleaded with me to forgive him and that he never cheated on me. I couldn’t right away, it hurt too much. I mean come on this is my husband and he’s talking to another woman and he got caught. Friday I forgave him. I made him promise to not talk to this woman ever again. So a week went by and things were going pretty well, but something wasn’t right. Do you ever have this feeling that something is off?

When I came home from work yesterday, I decided to check my phone records. Fortunately for me, the records are in my name so I can check texts and calls. I knew something was going on when I checked the phone records. Boom, there it was in black and white. He was still talking to the bitch and he was talking to her on the phone as well as texting. He doesn’t even call me on the phone, but he can call her and talk about an hour. When I saw these texts and calls I wanted to freak out, but I didn’t! I was pissed yeah, but I knew something was going on. I wasn’t born yesterday. I couldn’t wait however, to confront him. He wasn’t going to be home for hours, so I had to pre-occupy myself, so I went to yoga. That didn’t really help, I couldn’t stop thinking about what he did me, and to our marriage.

Finally he pulls up and he walks in the house. I’m sitting there on the couch with tears running down my cheeks. He’s like uh what’s going on. I ask him if he’s talking to that other woman and he says NO. No do you believe that? I ask him one more time, and again he says no. That’s when I pulled the phone records out on him. Can you believe he still denied it, but then said that they were just friends. How can friends talk for 24/7 and if she was a friend, how come I didn’t meet her??? I’m totally confused by this response. Does he peg me for an idiot or what? I yelled, I screamed and I cried. He said he fucked up and that he wasn’t going to talk to her anymore. No shit you fucked up! I told him I was done and that I want to separate.

This morning he texted me good morning and before I even responded to him I checked the phone records again, and guess what?! HE MESSAGED HER AGAIN!! He messaged her last night right after he promised he wouldn’t. He texted her three times! Dude what the fuck is wrong with you?! Have you no morals? I don’t get this guy at all! What kind of man did I marry!?