Depression is no joke

People that deal with depression know how hard it can be to deal with things on a daily basis. People that don’t deal with it have no idea that people with depression are on the edge of self destruction.

One word or phrase can set them off. Take me for example, I’ve been suffering with depression for awhile which I hate to admit but I feel it’s important to be honest. A lot of things in my life have me down and the people I rely on the most are my support system. Sometimes however, those people can hurt you the most by saying something that can ruin your whole day. Everyday It feels like I want to cry, so when someone I care about deeply says something that could be hurtful even if they’re kidding, it destroys me. I want to crawl in bed and not come out.

Some people think it’s bs and that I can just turn off my depression but it doesn’t work that way. Those people will never understand.

If you know someone who suffers with depression, listen to them. Don’t turn your back on them.

To be honest..

Everyday is different, I could feel fine one day and the next be depressed. My life is pretty normal, I get up, go to work, and then I go home relax. If I’m lucky go to a yoga class, I go home and then I go to bed. It’s the same thing day in and day out. Of course I squeeze writing in there somewhere because I don’t feel right without it. Today I just feel blah, straight up blah. I just want to crawl in bed and never come out. There are things in my life that are going on that I can’t really discuss because they are too personal but they are dragging me down. I want to be an accomplished writer and everyday I write to a dozen agents and some email back telling me I really enjoyed your story but it’s not for me. Others don’t even bother to even reply, which I totally get. They’re incredibly busy. If I could just have one thing go right in my life I would be super happy. But it just seems like one thing after another is falling apart. I feel like I’m at my breaking point with everything, my faith these days are at an all time low.

I’m sorry some of you will probably be like I hope she’s okay. Yes I’m fine and I will be fine. Sometimes I just need to vent. Today it’s just getting to me and everyone that is smiling at me I just want to punch in the face, I know it’s not funny, but it’s kind of funny. I looked at the calendar today and I graduated 17 years ago today. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was so excited to start my journey to adulthood. Now I sit here and I’m not where I thought I would be. I thought I would have an amazing career and be sitting pretty with a successful husband and maybe a couple kids. Today I don’t have an amazing career and my husband isn’t successful, although he’s doing what he loves, and I still don’t have any kids. Maybe that’s a good thing. I know they say it’s never to late to start a career but eh really? I’m in my 30’s, I want to be a writer, it’s all I want to do. It’s hard though, really hard. I know things take time but how much time because some days I feel like I’m drowning.

In My Mind..

I have to be honest, I’m comfortable in my own skin. I really hate talking about this and even put this out there for the world to see but I feel like I let myself go-and not in a good way. I mean with weight gain. I feel gross–mind you I’m not overweight but I could stand to lose about 20 lbs but I don’t really know how to go about doing it. I feel like I’m getting lazy and it doesn’t help that I have a job where I sit all day. I do however, do yoga a few times a week but that’s not enough. I used to jog but my knee was really bothering me so I had to stop. I started to just walk but then I got bored with it. I just received an elliptical from my mom that’s actually hers but she had no room for it so she lent it to me. So far so good with that. I’ll tell you a little bit about myself when it comes to weight.

I was always a pretty skinny person, not extremely skinny. I was a little curvy I guess you can say. But when I started going through puberty I started to gain weight and then I started smoking cigarettes and I a lost a few but nothing really to write home about. It wasn’t until I turned 16 that I got my tonsils out and I lost all weight and I was fairly thin. I weighed about 125 and then I went down to 110. I kept it off for a long time and I was really self conscious about myself. I felt like I had to workout constantly but all I had back then was an elliptical and I used to do that thing like a few times a day. That was how I kept the weight off. I was still smoking to keep myself skinny and to keep my anxiety in check. I started having all these stomach issues and I didn’t know why. I thought I was too young to be dealing with something like that so I went to a gastro doctor and it turned out I had IBS. It’s not a big deal but I ended up going gluten free. I know a lot of people think that’s a joke and it does nothing for you but for me it was a god send. After I stopped eating gluten I felt better, like a million times better. I had all this energy and my face cleared up and the best part I wasn’t having stomach issues anymore. People thought I was nuts but hey I didn’t care what people thought, it worked for me.

So fast forward a few years I met my husband and I quit smoking. He’s the complete opposite then me when it comes to food. I was trying and trying to stay gluten free but with him it was hard. He wanted things that I couldn’t have. I’m not saying it was his fault, I should’ve been stronger. I gave up and started eating gluten but a miraculous thing happened, I felt cured. I could eat anything I wanted and I was fine. The problem was I was starting to eat like shit. No more salads and now I was eating bread. When I was gluten free I didn’t have any pasta or bread. It was a few years before I had any of that stuff. My go to meal when I was gluten free was rice and tuna. Not together lol that would’ve been disgusting. I can’t even look at tuna the same way again, I can eat it in a hoagie but in a can: forget it. I ate so much, it was the best thing in the world to me. It was the one thing that I couldn’t part with. So anyway sorry I went off track, my weight started to go up. It was very slow because my metabolism was pretty fast. I think it still is but not as fast as when I was in my 20’s. Now fast forward a few years and I’m living at home with my husband and I feel like shit. Mind you I don’t eat fast food, I think that’s disgusting but I like hoagies and pizza and things like that so that doesn’t help. I don’t feel like working out anymore andI just sit on the couch.

As I sit here today, I’m like pissed at myself for doing this to myself. I shouldn’t be eating take out all the time. It’s definitely not healthy but money plays a huge role in why we don’t actually have food in the house which is another story that I won’t get in. I used to have abs and I felt so healthy and I was a size two and now forget that, I feel like shit and I’m like a size 6. What the hell happened? I have to make some changes and soon because at this rate depression is going to take over.

I apologize for the rant but thank you for reading.

M.