Posted on by Melissa Rose Bushey: Author · 4 Comments

My Husband Broke Me

I know this is personal, but at this point I really don’t care…

As I’m writing this I feel defeated, like I’m lost in limbo. Waking up everyday is a current struggle for me. My husband cheated on me from 2017 until the middle of 2018, and I can’t get it out of my head. I keep thinking about it constantly. I separated from him once, almost twice because of it.

Everyday there is a constant battle within me, should I leave him permanently or should I stay? He apologized profusely, but yet I can’t forgive him. He cheated on me for over a year, and if I had not caught him, it probably would’ve continued.

The funny thing is, I’m one of those people that if the tables have turned and this happened to someone else, I would’ve yelled at them for staying with their significant other. Instead, I’m staying. I love him still, I do. But because what he did, I’m losing it.

I’ve never felt this broken before and depressed by something. I know what I should do, but I don’t know if I can. The other night we were laying in bed, and I told him that I felt really fucked up in the head. That I feel depressed, and I need to see a therapist about all of this. He got mad at me because of the way I feel. He’s a master manipulator, I don’t know if he’s to the extent of an emotional abuser, but he’s something.

I have so many thoughts in my head, but at the same time I’m struggling to understand any of this. I’m honestly so tired and I can barely function anymore. Should I forgive what he did? I don’t think I can ever forgive nor forget. It’s harder because the person that he cheated on me with confronted me last month with more news. This devastated me even more, and brought up the almost second separation. He denies everything that she says, except for the part that he had phone sex with her for over a year. Which just sickens me. I mean who does that? If you’re feeling a certain way, then tell me. Don’t go off and fool around with someone else. That’s just downright disgusting.

I am a novelist, that is what I do and right now, with what he did, I lost my mojo. I have no ambition at all to write anything. It took all my might to even write this. I don’t expect anyone to comment or like my post, but I needed to get this out of my system.

He made me feel like it was my fault, that he cheated. He said that he was lonely and we weren’t being intimate. He’s a tattoo artist, so he constantly tattoos women. A lot of them attractive, so will I ever be able get over what he did? Could he do it again? He keeps saying that he regrets it, and that he would never do it again. All he wants to do is put this all behind him. I’m so glad it’s so easy for him to just forget about it. Of course he would say that, he’s the cheater.

I’m sorry if I’m ranting about this, but I’m hurting and I feel broken. I feel like I lost everything. My best friend cheated on me. For over a year nonetheless. That’s probably the hardest part. What drives someone to really do that to their partner? It is beyond me. I’m just not right these days. I feel like I’m running on fumes, like I’m in a fog.

M.

Posted on by Melissa Rose Bushey: Author

Hard to hear

I’m writing in hopes that the woman my husband was speaking to for over a year would come forward. I just want to speak to her and get some things off my chest and ask her a few things.

My husband is acting strange again. For those of you who don’t know my situation. In July I found out my husband was talking to someone else for over a year and we separated, but we got back together.

Lately, he’s being the same way he was before I found out. He’s shady with his phone and he’s coming to bed super late like he used to.

This will always be in the back of my mind because of what happened before with him. I don’t know if I can ever trust him again.

Posted on by Melissa Rose Bushey: Author

Caught!

This blog is about the woman and my husband who’ve been messaging/chatting. I’ve been married to this man for fours years and been with him for the last seven years.

A woman comes out of the blue and ruins my marriage. Supposedly this woman is also married with kids. Why the fuck would she target my husband out of every other man out there? Maybe it’s because he’s a tattoo artist. So it supposedly started months ago. My husband is just as at fault as this woman is because he was texting her back and talking to her for months.

Last Thursday everything changed and knew something was going on. I received a text in the morning saying “He better not be more then a friend and touch you inappropriately. He better not smack your ass either.” Okay now when I saw this I was like what the fuck! So of course I confronted him about it, and of course he changed his story. Not once, not twice, but three times. That’s how I found out that he was texting this woman. He swore that he never cheated on me and that they were just friends. But the last couple of weeks they were flirting. He begged and pleaded with me to forgive him and that he never cheated on me. I couldn’t right away, it hurt too much. I mean come on this is my husband and he’s talking to another woman and he got caught. Friday I forgave him. I made him promise to not talk to this woman ever again. So a week went by and things were going pretty well, but something wasn’t right. Do you ever have this feeling that something is off?

When I came home from work yesterday, I decided to check my phone records. Fortunately for me, the records are in my name so I can check texts and calls. I knew something was going on when I checked the phone records. Boom, there it was in black and white. He was still talking to the bitch and he was talking to her on the phone as well as texting. He doesn’t even call me on the phone, but he can call her and talk about an hour. When I saw these texts and calls I wanted to freak out, but I didn’t! I was pissed yeah, but I knew something was going on. I wasn’t born yesterday. I couldn’t wait however, to confront him. He wasn’t going to be home for hours, so I had to pre-occupy myself, so I went to yoga. That didn’t really help, I couldn’t stop thinking about what he did me, and to our marriage.

Finally he pulls up and he walks in the house. I’m sitting there on the couch with tears running down my cheeks. He’s like uh what’s going on. I ask him if he’s talking to that other woman and he says NO. No do you believe that? I ask him one more time, and again he says no. That’s when I pulled the phone records out on him. Can you believe he still denied it, but then said that they were just friends. How can friends talk for 24/7 and if she was a friend, how come I didn’t meet her??? I’m totally confused by this response. Does he peg me for an idiot or what? I yelled, I screamed and I cried. He said he fucked up and that he wasn’t going to talk to her anymore. No shit you fucked up! I told him I was done and that I want to separate.

This morning he texted me good morning and before I even responded to him I checked the phone records again, and guess what?! HE MESSAGED HER AGAIN!! He messaged her last night right after he promised he wouldn’t. He texted her three times! Dude what the fuck is wrong with you?! Have you no morals? I don’t get this guy at all! What kind of man did I marry!?

Posted on by Melissa Rose Bushey: Author

Depression is no joke

People that deal with depression know how hard it can be to deal with things on a daily basis. People that don’t deal with it have no idea that people with depression are on the edge of self destruction.

One word or phrase can set them off. Take me for example, I’ve been suffering with depression for awhile which I hate to admit but I feel it’s important to be honest. A lot of things in my life have me down and the people I rely on the most are my support system. Sometimes however, those people can hurt you the most by saying something that can ruin your whole day. Everyday It feels like I want to cry, so when someone I care about deeply says something that could be hurtful even if they’re kidding, it destroys me. I want to crawl in bed and not come out.

Some people think it’s bs and that I can just turn off my depression but it doesn’t work that way. Those people will never understand.

If you know someone who suffers with depression, listen to them. Don’t turn your back on them.

Posted on by Melissa Rose Bushey: Author

Review # 1

So in today’s blog I like to discuss Netflix’s original series Black Mirror. I’ve been watching it since season one and season four just came out.

If you enjoy shows like the Twilight Zone I recommend this show. It’s full of craziness and futuristic gadgets.  I don’t know what I like about this show so much, but it has this appeal to me that I can’t really stop watching.

Every episode is completely different and the concept that they come up with is even more elaborate then the previous one. I do have to admit some episodes I can’t get over and other episodes I’m glad they’re over haha.

The episode that I just watched in season four really stuck in my mind. The episode is called ‘Hang the DJ.’ It takes place in the future and it’s basically a dating game. They hone in on this particular couple. So what happens is these young people in their twenties have this device and it tells them who they are matched with at the time. Basically it tells them who they have to date and for a limited amount of time.

The guy and girl that the episode is about are matched together in the beginning of the show and they hit it off. They last about twelve hours before the system tells them that its over. They go their separate ways and the system provides them with more relationships. Many of which are just one night stands.

The guy ends up in a relationship that ends up being a year. They both can’t stand each other but they have to be together because if they don’t they will get punished.

During the course of the show they are with other people but then they get matched together again. They are happy and you can tell they are in love with each other. They made a deal to never look at how much time they have left together.

The guy couldn’t help himself after a few days. He didn’t want it to end but he needed to know. So he checks and it said five years. But then there was a malfunction and it cut down the time by a lot. Instead of years its now hours.

He wants to tell the girl but he doesn’t want to hurt her, because ultimately he broke his promise. She knows something is wrong and he ends up telling her. She walks away from him hurt. She was most upset that he broke his promise.

Many relationships later she realizes that she is in love with the guy that hurt her. She hears a ting from her system that she will be matched with her life partner. She asks if he’s the guy and it tells her no. However, she gets to see him one more time.

Before she goes on her date with the guy for the last time. She throws her system into a pool and runs to see him. She is ecstatic to see him and they start kissing. Everyone in the restaurant looks shocked. They only had a minute together. She told him to throw it away so they could be together.

He agreed and got up and they started walking out of the restaurant. The people who were in charge of the system were going to stop them but something happened. Everything and everyone froze. They ran to the wall to climb over it. As they were climbing the whole thing resetted. It was actually a simulation. It then started all over again.

Basically this episode stuck out to me because the concept was so off the wall. It was very futuristic, it made me think if this could really happen.

If you ever get the chance, watch this show! You won’t be disappointed!

That’s all I’m going to say on that. Until next time 🙂

M.

Posted on by Melissa Rose Bushey: Author

Yesterday

So yesterday was a crazy day for me. I had to go to the dentist which I absolutely hate going to. I was scheduled for a deep cleaning and a lot of people of course freaked me out beyond anything so I didn’t really want to go. I complained and complained but I needed to really go and I’m glad I did because it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. They used a numbing gel and I was good, no pain whatsoever. I hate when people scare the hell out of me lol but I made it anyway.

So yesterday was also International Women’s Day and I knew that I needed to stand with my fellow women. I wore red and I took off from work to support us women. I think in today’s society, women are being looked down upon, especially with the people that are in the White House. I’m not saying I do/or don’t support Trump, this has nothing to do with him. I just wanted to stand up with women to make us feel just as important as men.

Okay so I wont duel on that anymore for the day. I did do some amazing workouts yesterday, I did a 9 mile bike ride, which kicked my ass since I’m not used to riding. I did yoga which felt amazing. I felt like yesterday besides the dentist I wanted to do something for myself as a woman to make me feel powerful. In yoga we celebrated International Woman’s Day by dedicating our practice to the women around the world and to a special woman in your life. It felt amazing and it made me feel happy.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Wednesday!

M.

Posted on by Melissa Rose Bushey: Author

Valentine’s Day

So it’s that time of year for candy, sweet gifts, and love if your in a relationship with someone. But hey if you have friends that you love you can also share it with them. I just wanted to throw my 2 cents in about this holiday. It’s every girls dream to have flowers delivered and all that romantic stuff but I wanted to take a minute to say something strange. I don’t know maybe I’m weird but as I was thinking about today something made me think of 9/11 and I have no idea why.

I was sitting here thinking  of what to write about for my daily blog and 9/11 swept through me. I went on YouTube and saw a documentary about that horrific day and I watched it. I felt horrible and saddened by the events that took place. I know today is supposed to be a happy day of love and kisses and puppies but I don’t know I just felt something wash over me with 9/11. I have no idea what that means, but it gave me a moment to reflect on that day. It made me think of the people that died on that day and the people that lost someone that was involved whether it was the World Trade Center or the planes that went down.

Maybe instead of thinking what I could be getting from the hubby, I should be thinking about other people instead, of what people lost. I’m definitely not trying to be a Debbie downer, I’m really not. It’s just strange for something like that to pop into my head like that and now it’s stuck in my head. All those people trapped in that building and they couldn’t get out and the only thing that some of them could think of was throwing themselves off.

Okay I’m done with that, that was totally depressing and I wasn’t trying to be. That was just running through my mind. Please try and enjoy your Valentine’s Day people. Think romantic and funny and cute and amazing thoughts. Much love to each and every one of you!

M.

Posted on by Melissa Rose Bushey: Author

You Never Know..

You really never know what kind of day you’re going to have until you’re actually starting your day. I was in the process of having a horrible day because I spilled coffee all over my kitchen counter and floor today. However, instead of getting pissed about it and yelling, I actually started to laugh, because what is the point? There really isn’t a point to get all mad and get your blood pressure on the rise because of some stupid mistake you made.

But I have to tell you something, last night while I was sleeping, my lovely husband decided to do something that I’ve been wanting him to do for the longest time, and no it wasn’t sexual, it was actually moving a piece of exercise equipment. Well my amazing dog, Buddy,which he is literally scared of everything and he’s a bulldog so you would think he’s just a tough little man. He’s not! He’s actually quite the opposite, he’s a big baby. I’ll take the blame for that, I just baby him and a lot. I can’t help it, I love him so much. So yes, he’s really spoiled, he likes to lay on me and cuddle with me and he’s super heavy but he’s my lap dog. Wow I just totally went off on a rant about my dog haha. So anyway, back to last night, so my dog sees this piece of equipment and he just can’t stop barking. He’s like deathly afraid of it and it woke me up out of a sound sleep.I ran downstairs furious and just flipped out. I mean it wasn’t my husbands fault it was Buddy’s, but I was half asleep and I just couldn’t really tell what was going on, so I cursed out the hubby and I went back to bed. Today I woke up super tired and I felt bad about yelling last night. So this morning I wrote him a nice little text apologizing.

That was obviously before I spilled the coffee all over the counter and on the floor which I laughed about. I decided that today I was going to write some more of my new novel, and I just felt like today was going to be one of those days where I wouldn’t have any inspiration, but when I started to write I couldn’t stop. That was most definitely a good thing. What I take out of all of this is that you wake up and you feel like you’re going to have one of those horrible crappy days but it ends up being a good day. You never know.

Have a good day everyone!!

M.

and if you haven’t already done so, please check out my Novel on Amazon called Not Alone by Melissa Rose Bushey.