My Husband Broke Me

I know this is personal, but at this point I really don’t care…

As I’m writing this I feel defeated, like I’m lost in limbo. Waking up everyday is a current struggle for me. My husband cheated on me from 2017 until the middle of 2018, and I can’t get it out of my head. I keep thinking about it constantly. I separated from him once, almost twice because of it.

Everyday there is a constant battle within me, should I leave him permanently or should I stay? He apologized profusely, but yet I can’t forgive him. He cheated on me for over a year, and if I had not caught him, it probably would’ve continued.

The funny thing is, I’m one of those people that if the tables have turned and this happened to someone else, I would’ve yelled at them for staying with their significant other. Instead, I’m staying. I love him still, I do. But because what he did, I’m losing it.

I’ve never felt this broken before and depressed by something. I know what I should do, but I don’t know if I can. The other night we were laying in bed, and I told him that I felt really fucked up in the head. That I feel depressed, and I need to see a therapist about all of this. He got mad at me because of the way I feel. He’s a master manipulator, I don’t know if he’s to the extent of an emotional abuser, but he’s something.

I have so many thoughts in my head, but at the same time I’m struggling to understand any of this. I’m honestly so tired and I can barely function anymore. Should I forgive what he did? I don’t think I can ever forgive nor forget. It’s harder because the person that he cheated on me with confronted me last month with more news. This devastated me even more, and brought up the almost second separation. He denies everything that she says, except for the part that he had phone sex with her for over a year. Which just sickens me. I mean who does that? If you’re feeling a certain way, then tell me. Don’t go off and fool around with someone else. That’s just downright disgusting.

I am a novelist, that is what I do and right now, with what he did, I lost my mojo. I have no ambition at all to write anything. It took all my might to even write this. I don’t expect anyone to comment or like my post, but I needed to get this out of my system.

He made me feel like it was my fault, that he cheated. He said that he was lonely and we weren’t being intimate. He’s a tattoo artist, so he constantly tattoos women. A lot of them attractive, so will I ever be able get over what he did? Could he do it again? He keeps saying that he regrets it, and that he would never do it again. All he wants to do is put this all behind him. I’m so glad it’s so easy for him to just forget about it. Of course he would say that, he’s the cheater.

I’m sorry if I’m ranting about this, but I’m hurting and I feel broken. I feel like I lost everything. My best friend cheated on me. For over a year nonetheless. That’s probably the hardest part. What drives someone to really do that to their partner? It is beyond me. I’m just not right these days. I feel like I’m running on fumes, like I’m in a fog.

M.

Depression is no joke

People that deal with depression know how hard it can be to deal with things on a daily basis. People that don’t deal with it have no idea that people with depression are on the edge of self destruction.

One word or phrase can set them off. Take me for example, I’ve been suffering with depression for awhile which I hate to admit but I feel it’s important to be honest. A lot of things in my life have me down and the people I rely on the most are my support system. Sometimes however, those people can hurt you the most by saying something that can ruin your whole day. Everyday It feels like I want to cry, so when someone I care about deeply says something that could be hurtful even if they’re kidding, it destroys me. I want to crawl in bed and not come out.

Some people think it’s bs and that I can just turn off my depression but it doesn’t work that way. Those people will never understand.

If you know someone who suffers with depression, listen to them. Don’t turn your back on them.

Goal

I know it’s been awhile since I wrote anything on my blog but I’m still here. My mood reflects my writing so this won’t be the most positive post. I haven’t had the ability to continue writing the sequel to my second book because I lack ambition. Hopefully I can get it back because it’s not fun being down and not able to focus. All I can think about is everything else that’s going on in my life. 

I’m trying hard to promote my book. I was so happy that my yoga studio allowed me to put my books in their boutique. When I went there last night, one was sold. I was really happy! Things like that make me really happy and in all honestly I want to make people smile and feel good. My books are on smashwords and Amazon and they’re on Goodreads. I am happy that they’re both out there but I hope one day I’ll be successful and reach my goal of becoming a full time novelist. That’s my real passion. But for right now I’ll do what I can to get it out there!

M. 

To be honest..

Everyday is different, I could feel fine one day and the next be depressed. My life is pretty normal, I get up, go to work, and then I go home relax. If I’m lucky go to a yoga class, I go home and then I go to bed. It’s the same thing day in and day out. Of course I squeeze writing in there somewhere because I don’t feel right without it. Today I just feel blah, straight up blah. I just want to crawl in bed and never come out. There are things in my life that are going on that I can’t really discuss because they are too personal but they are dragging me down. I want to be an accomplished writer and everyday I write to a dozen agents and some email back telling me I really enjoyed your story but it’s not for me. Others don’t even bother to even reply, which I totally get. They’re incredibly busy. If I could just have one thing go right in my life I would be super happy. But it just seems like one thing after another is falling apart. I feel like I’m at my breaking point with everything, my faith these days are at an all time low.

I’m sorry some of you will probably be like I hope she’s okay. Yes I’m fine and I will be fine. Sometimes I just need to vent. Today it’s just getting to me and everyone that is smiling at me I just want to punch in the face, I know it’s not funny, but it’s kind of funny. I looked at the calendar today and I graduated 17 years ago today. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was so excited to start my journey to adulthood. Now I sit here and I’m not where I thought I would be. I thought I would have an amazing career and be sitting pretty with a successful husband and maybe a couple kids. Today I don’t have an amazing career and my husband isn’t successful, although he’s doing what he loves, and I still don’t have any kids. Maybe that’s a good thing. I know they say it’s never to late to start a career but eh really? I’m in my 30’s, I want to be a writer, it’s all I want to do. It’s hard though, really hard. I know things take time but how much time because some days I feel like I’m drowning.

Down..

I know it’s been a few days since I wrote about my rehearsal experience. Thursday night was canceled so I didn’t have anything to report and my weekend was just crazy. So I’ll start with Friday night:

So I’m really excited because they started placing people in spots and where they put me was directly in center. I’m like okay this is great, I’m where all the action is. They didn’t tell me what I should be doing, so I just sat there. You would think they would be like, “Hey can you look at the actors that are talking on stage or hey can you act like your the stenographer,” which that’s what was I assigned. So we go through the rehearsal a few times and finally it’s time to go home and I was beat. Granted I did have a glass of wine before rehearsal because hey it’s Friday and I worked all day and wanted to have some downtime. Anyway I was excited because I was down in the center. Until the next day…

Saturday comes and we have rehearsal from 2 to 6. I’m kind of excited because you know my part is in the front where all the action is. So we sign in and we get started and they told us to get in our places and we do. We sit down and all of a sudden they say, “I want to make some changes. You get in the back.” Which they were referring to me. I was so disappointed and pissed off. They never gave me a reason why they moved me. So I went from front row to all the way in the back where you can’t even see me. Needless to say I was feeling pretty pissed off and it hurt a little but I guess that shit happens.

Sunday comes and I’m dreading to go. We have to be there from 11-6 and it was going to be a long day. I knew going in there that it was going to blow. A million times I wanted to get up and walk out and thought hey they is BS. Oh I forgot to mention, Saturday night I emailed the assistant director asking why I was moved and he never emailed me back. I was waiting on Sunday to see if he would say anything to me but nothing ever came. When lunch break came I was steaming, I needed a drink and yes I had one. Maybe I’m acting like a child I don’t know but I was just so mad. My husband was telling me that I’m making a big deal out of it and that it wasn’t personal, but to be honest it felt personal. Especially if they didn’t even give me a reason. If I was doing something wrong I really would’ve liked to know so I could’ve fixed it. But hey maybe that’s the acting world.

After that weekend I’ve been feeling depressed. My book isn’t selling and I haven’t heard from any agents regarding my book. I try to not get discouraged but come on, I feel like I’m having all these bad things that aren’t going my way so it’s hard to stay positive. I love to write it’s my passion but sometimes I sit and think why am I here on this earth, is there a purpose? Sorry I’m just venting. I’ll stop here. Thanks for listening!

M.