My Husband Broke Me

I know this is personal, but at this point I really don’t care…

As I’m writing this I feel defeated, like I’m lost in limbo. Waking up everyday is a current struggle for me. My husband cheated on me from 2017 until the middle of 2018, and I can’t get it out of my head. I keep thinking about it constantly. I separated from him once, almost twice because of it.

Everyday there is a constant battle within me, should I leave him permanently or should I stay? He apologized profusely, but yet I can’t forgive him. He cheated on me for over a year, and if I had not caught him, it probably would’ve continued.

The funny thing is, I’m one of those people that if the tables have turned and this happened to someone else, I would’ve yelled at them for staying with their significant other. Instead, I’m staying. I love him still, I do. But because what he did, I’m losing it.

I’ve never felt this broken before and depressed by something. I know what I should do, but I don’t know if I can. The other night we were laying in bed, and I told him that I felt really fucked up in the head. That I feel depressed, and I need to see a therapist about all of this. He got mad at me because of the way I feel. He’s a master manipulator, I don’t know if he’s to the extent of an emotional abuser, but he’s something.

I have so many thoughts in my head, but at the same time I’m struggling to understand any of this. I’m honestly so tired and I can barely function anymore. Should I forgive what he did? I don’t think I can ever forgive nor forget. It’s harder because the person that he cheated on me with confronted me last month with more news. This devastated me even more, and brought up the almost second separation. He denies everything that she says, except for the part that he had phone sex with her for over a year. Which just sickens me. I mean who does that? If you’re feeling a certain way, then tell me. Don’t go off and fool around with someone else. That’s just downright disgusting.

I am a novelist, that is what I do and right now, with what he did, I lost my mojo. I have no ambition at all to write anything. It took all my might to even write this. I don’t expect anyone to comment or like my post, but I needed to get this out of my system.

He made me feel like it was my fault, that he cheated. He said that he was lonely and we weren’t being intimate. He’s a tattoo artist, so he constantly tattoos women. A lot of them attractive, so will I ever be able get over what he did? Could he do it again? He keeps saying that he regrets it, and that he would never do it again. All he wants to do is put this all behind him. I’m so glad it’s so easy for him to just forget about it. Of course he would say that, he’s the cheater.

I’m sorry if I’m ranting about this, but I’m hurting and I feel broken. I feel like I lost everything. My best friend cheated on me. For over a year nonetheless. That’s probably the hardest part. What drives someone to really do that to their partner? It is beyond me. I’m just not right these days. I feel like I’m running on fumes, like I’m in a fog.

M.

September Blues

This is the worst September I ever had to deal with in my life…

On September 1st, I thought my life just went up 110%. I found out I was pregnant. I never thought I could get pregnant. My husband and I have tried for over 4 years and never anything. We decided to do the fertility way and do some hormones, and all that did was make my periods a hundred times worse. We stopped doing the hormones and stopped trying all together. That was back in January.

When August came, I realized that I was late. I was due for my monthly on July 18th. I just thought it was a fluke thing, I didn’t think anything more about it. By mid August, I started feeling weird. Dizzy, nauseated, and my boobs were hurting. I thought well maybe I’ll just take a test to be on the safe side. It came out negative. I’m like okay then, my periods are usually pretty whacky anyway. I put it in the back of my mind.

When September 1st came around, I woke up feeling okay. It wasn’t until a few hours later that I started feeling pretty terrible. I felt dizzy and felt like I was going to pass out. I went out to breakfast and went out afterwards and I just felt out of it. I had to make a Target run to get a few things, and while I was there I had a dizzy spell. I almost passed out. I grabbed a few things and another pregnancy test and went home.

I got home and peed on the stick. A few minutes later I was stunned. I couldn’t believe it. The plus sign really threw me off. You should’ve seen me, I’m like no way, no way! I was running around the house like a mad woman. I was so happy and confused at the same time.

I called my husband and I told him. He was shocked and super happy about it. At that moment in time I was supposed to be about 6 or 7 weeks. I called my OB and they wanted to see me the following week, but I decided to call the fertility doctor since I was going through them with the hormones, however, wasn’t using them. They wanted me to come in right away to get a blood test to confirm.

By the afternoon, they called me and it was confirmed. I was pregnant. I let my husband know and my parents. I didn’t really want to tell anyone else, until I knew for sure with the ultrasound. They wanted me to come in a few days later to get one, to see how far along I was.

When that day came, I was so nervous and excited. I couldn’t wait to see what it looked like. My husband and I arrived and I put the gown on and we waited for the doctor to come in. He came in and asked me a ton of questions and what to eat and what not to eat. I laid down on the table and I was ready for the ultrasound. He proceeded and he wasn’t saying anything. I just thought maybe he was concentrating. A few minutes later, he told us that he didn’t see anything. I was shocked, I didn’t think that would be the words that would’ve been coming out of his mouth. I never even thought of that. I was upset, but he said not to give up hope and that he wanted to see me three days later.

Three days later, we went back again, and again I changed into the gown. A different doctor did the ultrasound, and again, he said he saw nothing. With where I was number wise, I should’ve been about 7 weeks and they should’ve seen the baby on the screen. We left heart-broken. They scared me by saying that my pregnancy could be an ectopic pregnancy. I was a nervous wreck and freaked out, thinking this thing could kill me. They wanted to wait a couple more days and draw blood.

Later on I get a phone call that my numbers were excellent. So that gave me some spark of hope. They called me to come back in to check again. We both agreed to come back.

My original doctor did the ultrasound and he finally saw something, which looked to be a sac. It was small but it was there, and that gave me some hope. I got more blood work, and he called later telling me that my numbers weren’t good and that he thought this pregnancy wasn’t viable. I needed to come back again! So we went back again, and the sac was still there but it was so tiny. It didn’t grow. He proceeded to tell me that the good news it was in the uterus and not ectopic, but the bad news, its not a viable pregnancy. My mom was with me at this time, and she was so excited. Her face dropped when he said that. We both left there upset.

My next step was to come in and fill out papers to take a medicine that was inserted to bring on a miscarriage. At this point, I wanted to get this over with. I felt like I’ve been through the wringer. I inserted the medicine a few days ago, and it took about 7 hours for it to kick in. I had really bad cramps and I started bleeding. I’m thinking that this is it. I have a whole day of bleeding and cramps. The doctor tells me to come in to make sure everything has passed.

So I go in, and guess what? It didn’t work! I’m like this shit is a pain in the ass. So now I’ll have to get a D&C. They told me I can take the pills again, but I feel like that’s such a waste of time. I just want to get this over with. I feel like shit, and I’m so tired. This makes me not even want to have any kids, because of this experience. All I’ve received was bad news.

This was really personal to me, but I wanted to share this experience, because I’m sure there are other women that are going through this. It hurts a lot to know the your baby isn’t viable, but it hurts more when you’re carrying it around. I know there are women out there that have it worse then me. There are women that find out there baby has no heartbeat and there about 5 months or more into their pregnancy.

That’s all I have to say right now…I’ll update later when everything is done.

M.

Depression is no joke

People that deal with depression know how hard it can be to deal with things on a daily basis. People that don’t deal with it have no idea that people with depression are on the edge of self destruction.

One word or phrase can set them off. Take me for example, I’ve been suffering with depression for awhile which I hate to admit but I feel it’s important to be honest. A lot of things in my life have me down and the people I rely on the most are my support system. Sometimes however, those people can hurt you the most by saying something that can ruin your whole day. Everyday It feels like I want to cry, so when someone I care about deeply says something that could be hurtful even if they’re kidding, it destroys me. I want to crawl in bed and not come out.

Some people think it’s bs and that I can just turn off my depression but it doesn’t work that way. Those people will never understand.

If you know someone who suffers with depression, listen to them. Don’t turn your back on them.

To be honest..

Everyday is different, I could feel fine one day and the next be depressed. My life is pretty normal, I get up, go to work, and then I go home relax. If I’m lucky go to a yoga class, I go home and then I go to bed. It’s the same thing day in and day out. Of course I squeeze writing in there somewhere because I don’t feel right without it. Today I just feel blah, straight up blah. I just want to crawl in bed and never come out. There are things in my life that are going on that I can’t really discuss because they are too personal but they are dragging me down. I want to be an accomplished writer and everyday I write to a dozen agents and some email back telling me I really enjoyed your story but it’s not for me. Others don’t even bother to even reply, which I totally get. They’re incredibly busy. If I could just have one thing go right in my life I would be super happy. But it just seems like one thing after another is falling apart. I feel like I’m at my breaking point with everything, my faith these days are at an all time low.

I’m sorry some of you will probably be like I hope she’s okay. Yes I’m fine and I will be fine. Sometimes I just need to vent. Today it’s just getting to me and everyone that is smiling at me I just want to punch in the face, I know it’s not funny, but it’s kind of funny. I looked at the calendar today and I graduated 17 years ago today. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was so excited to start my journey to adulthood. Now I sit here and I’m not where I thought I would be. I thought I would have an amazing career and be sitting pretty with a successful husband and maybe a couple kids. Today I don’t have an amazing career and my husband isn’t successful, although he’s doing what he loves, and I still don’t have any kids. Maybe that’s a good thing. I know they say it’s never to late to start a career but eh really? I’m in my 30’s, I want to be a writer, it’s all I want to do. It’s hard though, really hard. I know things take time but how much time because some days I feel like I’m drowning.