My Husband Broke Me

I know this is personal, but at this point I really don’t care…

As I’m writing this I feel defeated, like I’m lost in limbo. Waking up everyday is a current struggle for me. My husband cheated on me from 2017 until the middle of 2018, and I can’t get it out of my head. I keep thinking about it constantly. I separated from him once, almost twice because of it.

Everyday there is a constant battle within me, should I leave him permanently or should I stay? He apologized profusely, but yet I can’t forgive him. He cheated on me for over a year, and if I had not caught him, it probably would’ve continued.

The funny thing is, I’m one of those people that if the tables have turned and this happened to someone else, I would’ve yelled at them for staying with their significant other. Instead, I’m staying. I love him still, I do. But because what he did, I’m losing it.

I’ve never felt this broken before and depressed by something. I know what I should do, but I don’t know if I can. The other night we were laying in bed, and I told him that I felt really fucked up in the head. That I feel depressed, and I need to see a therapist about all of this. He got mad at me because of the way I feel. He’s a master manipulator, I don’t know if he’s to the extent of an emotional abuser, but he’s something.

I have so many thoughts in my head, but at the same time I’m struggling to understand any of this. I’m honestly so tired and I can barely function anymore. Should I forgive what he did? I don’t think I can ever forgive nor forget. It’s harder because the person that he cheated on me with confronted me last month with more news. This devastated me even more, and brought up the almost second separation. He denies everything that she says, except for the part that he had phone sex with her for over a year. Which just sickens me. I mean who does that? If you’re feeling a certain way, then tell me. Don’t go off and fool around with someone else. That’s just downright disgusting.

I am a novelist, that is what I do and right now, with what he did, I lost my mojo. I have no ambition at all to write anything. It took all my might to even write this. I don’t expect anyone to comment or like my post, but I needed to get this out of my system.

He made me feel like it was my fault, that he cheated. He said that he was lonely and we weren’t being intimate. He’s a tattoo artist, so he constantly tattoos women. A lot of them attractive, so will I ever be able get over what he did? Could he do it again? He keeps saying that he regrets it, and that he would never do it again. All he wants to do is put this all behind him. I’m so glad it’s so easy for him to just forget about it. Of course he would say that, he’s the cheater.

I’m sorry if I’m ranting about this, but I’m hurting and I feel broken. I feel like I lost everything. My best friend cheated on me. For over a year nonetheless. That’s probably the hardest part. What drives someone to really do that to their partner? It is beyond me. I’m just not right these days. I feel like I’m running on fumes, like I’m in a fog.

M.

September Blues

This is the worst September I ever had to deal with in my life…

On September 1st, I thought my life just went up 110%. I found out I was pregnant. I never thought I could get pregnant. My husband and I have tried for over 4 years and never anything. We decided to do the fertility way and do some hormones, and all that did was make my periods a hundred times worse. We stopped doing the hormones and stopped trying all together. That was back in January.

When August came, I realized that I was late. I was due for my monthly on July 18th. I just thought it was a fluke thing, I didn’t think anything more about it. By mid August, I started feeling weird. Dizzy, nauseated, and my boobs were hurting. I thought well maybe I’ll just take a test to be on the safe side. It came out negative. I’m like okay then, my periods are usually pretty whacky anyway. I put it in the back of my mind.

When September 1st came around, I woke up feeling okay. It wasn’t until a few hours later that I started feeling pretty terrible. I felt dizzy and felt like I was going to pass out. I went out to breakfast and went out afterwards and I just felt out of it. I had to make a Target run to get a few things, and while I was there I had a dizzy spell. I almost passed out. I grabbed a few things and another pregnancy test and went home.

I got home and peed on the stick. A few minutes later I was stunned. I couldn’t believe it. The plus sign really threw me off. You should’ve seen me, I’m like no way, no way! I was running around the house like a mad woman. I was so happy and confused at the same time.

I called my husband and I told him. He was shocked and super happy about it. At that moment in time I was supposed to be about 6 or 7 weeks. I called my OB and they wanted to see me the following week, but I decided to call the fertility doctor since I was going through them with the hormones, however, wasn’t using them. They wanted me to come in right away to get a blood test to confirm.

By the afternoon, they called me and it was confirmed. I was pregnant. I let my husband know and my parents. I didn’t really want to tell anyone else, until I knew for sure with the ultrasound. They wanted me to come in a few days later to get one, to see how far along I was.

When that day came, I was so nervous and excited. I couldn’t wait to see what it looked like. My husband and I arrived and I put the gown on and we waited for the doctor to come in. He came in and asked me a ton of questions and what to eat and what not to eat. I laid down on the table and I was ready for the ultrasound. He proceeded and he wasn’t saying anything. I just thought maybe he was concentrating. A few minutes later, he told us that he didn’t see anything. I was shocked, I didn’t think that would be the words that would’ve been coming out of his mouth. I never even thought of that. I was upset, but he said not to give up hope and that he wanted to see me three days later.

Three days later, we went back again, and again I changed into the gown. A different doctor did the ultrasound, and again, he said he saw nothing. With where I was number wise, I should’ve been about 7 weeks and they should’ve seen the baby on the screen. We left heart-broken. They scared me by saying that my pregnancy could be an ectopic pregnancy. I was a nervous wreck and freaked out, thinking this thing could kill me. They wanted to wait a couple more days and draw blood.

Later on I get a phone call that my numbers were excellent. So that gave me some spark of hope. They called me to come back in to check again. We both agreed to come back.

My original doctor did the ultrasound and he finally saw something, which looked to be a sac. It was small but it was there, and that gave me some hope. I got more blood work, and he called later telling me that my numbers weren’t good and that he thought this pregnancy wasn’t viable. I needed to come back again! So we went back again, and the sac was still there but it was so tiny. It didn’t grow. He proceeded to tell me that the good news it was in the uterus and not ectopic, but the bad news, its not a viable pregnancy. My mom was with me at this time, and she was so excited. Her face dropped when he said that. We both left there upset.

My next step was to come in and fill out papers to take a medicine that was inserted to bring on a miscarriage. At this point, I wanted to get this over with. I felt like I’ve been through the wringer. I inserted the medicine a few days ago, and it took about 7 hours for it to kick in. I had really bad cramps and I started bleeding. I’m thinking that this is it. I have a whole day of bleeding and cramps. The doctor tells me to come in to make sure everything has passed.

So I go in, and guess what? It didn’t work! I’m like this shit is a pain in the ass. So now I’ll have to get a D&C. They told me I can take the pills again, but I feel like that’s such a waste of time. I just want to get this over with. I feel like shit, and I’m so tired. This makes me not even want to have any kids, because of this experience. All I’ve received was bad news.

This was really personal to me, but I wanted to share this experience, because I’m sure there are other women that are going through this. It hurts a lot to know the your baby isn’t viable, but it hurts more when you’re carrying it around. I know there are women out there that have it worse then me. There are women that find out there baby has no heartbeat and there about 5 months or more into their pregnancy.

That’s all I have to say right now…I’ll update later when everything is done.

M.

Camping Trip

I have a really strange story that I would like to share with you that happened about 7 years ago.

My then boyfriend now husband and I went camping in the Promise Land, which is above the Poconos in Pennsylvania. It was the first time we actually went away together, so it was a nerve wracking experience.

Hanging out with him was great however, camping was god awful. It rained the whole time we were there and our tent was soaking went. It was actually nice one day and we went kayaking in a lake, which was really nice and the first time I ever went.

Anyway on to my terrible experience. So it was I believe the last day there and I was so happy to be going home. It was a beautiful summer day and I was anxious to go home. I headed to the showers they had there and took a shower and got ready. After I was finished I got dressed and brushed my teeth. Now this is when I heard this girl freaking out. This girl, she had to be like 12 or even maybe younger. She was screaming her lungs off. And something was going on with her. Either she was throwing up or something was coming out the other end. I’ll never forget that scream for the rest of my life. Her family was huddled around her and she was calling for her mom. They found her mom and she hauled ass into the bathroom.

The girl sounded like she was dying. I don’t know what the hell happened to her but she put a dent in my mind forever. Eventually an ambulance came. By that time, I left the bathroom. I only caught a glimpse of the ambulance leaving. I just can’t get that painful scream out of my head. I’m not sure if she ate something wrong or what, but it was bad. I mean really bad. Like worse nightmare bad.

I decided to share this story because I always wanted to find out what happened to this girl. It was in the summer of 2011. I think when I do my YouTube page I’ll talk about it. Maybe someone recognizes this story and I’ll maybe one day find out what happened to that girl.

Depression is no joke

People that deal with depression know how hard it can be to deal with things on a daily basis. People that don’t deal with it have no idea that people with depression are on the edge of self destruction.

One word or phrase can set them off. Take me for example, I’ve been suffering with depression for awhile which I hate to admit but I feel it’s important to be honest. A lot of things in my life have me down and the people I rely on the most are my support system. Sometimes however, those people can hurt you the most by saying something that can ruin your whole day. Everyday It feels like I want to cry, so when someone I care about deeply says something that could be hurtful even if they’re kidding, it destroys me. I want to crawl in bed and not come out.

Some people think it’s bs and that I can just turn off my depression but it doesn’t work that way. Those people will never understand.

If you know someone who suffers with depression, listen to them. Don’t turn your back on them.

As it Goes

I love to write, I can’t think of anything else I would rather do. I know most of you know that I have a full time job as a receptionist and it’s boring tedious work. This morning I woke up and I rolled out of bed dreading I had to be here. I know people say, “Hey, if you don’t like something then change it.” I wish I could do that, but unfortunately until I sign a contract for my books I can’t do anything. I have to do what I have to do to make money.

It’s been so long since I even blogged. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me because it’s my life. I chose the path I’m walking down. I’m just tired. I want to do what makes me happy, but money is the root of all evil.

So anyway, I started writing a new novel and it’s completely different then what I usually write. I tend to stay with the Young Adult books, but this time I decided to stray. Who knows though, it could turn into something else. That always seems to happen to me. I’m excited to see how it will turn out. I am however, going to take my time with this one. I have to be honest, the first novel I wrote Braver Than Yesterday, I coasted through it. I did get a good response from the book, but honestly it’s a mess. It’s all over the place and it didn’t get really good reviews. Hey I get it, it’s my first novel. It was my first try. Someone destroyed me with a brutally honest review on Goodreads. They gave me one star, if they could give me no stars they probably would have. I was upset at first but then I thought, hey it’s someones opinion and everyone is entitled to their own. I took it in stride and wrote a response back that was nothing but professional. I could’ve flipped out, but what’s the point? That’s not what I’m about. I just take it and learn from it and put my heart into the next novel.

My second novel From Within, I feel is a much better novel. Not many people read that one, but the people that did really enjoyed it. I was excited when I saw a review on Goodreads for that book. It was four stars and I was like yes! I’m hoping more people will check out my second book, because I have the sequel Forward to the Past out. Well it’s not technically out yet because I’m trying to get it out there with publishers/agents. It’s not an easy process. You have to get the query and the synopsis perfectly. The pitch is the most important. From Within is just really different because it has to do with spirits and I know how people feel about that. Maybe that’s why they don’t want to read it, but it’s geared towards young adults and teens. It’s a fantasy, magical story. I just want people to understand that.

…if dreams come true it will happen 🙂

Review # 2

My second review is going to be on the book The Nightingale, by Kristin Hannah. If you haven’t read this book then you shouldn’t read this post because there are spoilers.

My first thought of this book even before I started reading it was eh, I’m not sure I’ll be into all this war stuff. I had to read it though because I love Kristin Hannah. She’s one of my favorite authors. As I started to read the book, she got me sucked in again. This book has so many aspects of it. It has love, it has violence, it has strong willed women, brave soldiers, combat. you name it, it has it. I just couldn’t put it down.

It takes place right before the start of WWII. Isabelle and Vianne are sisters who blatantly seem to loath each other. The war breaks out and Vianne is left with her toddler daughter, while her husband leaves her for battle. Isabelle, the younger sister of Vianne feels like a burden. Nobody wants her but she’s supposed to be this gorgeous girl that all the men want if that makes sense. Her sister doesn’t want anything to do with her and her father is a drunk who also wants nothing to do with her.

Isabelle is a strong a fierce girl. She lets nothing stand in her way. She is eager to fight the Germans so she can win her country, France, back. She leaves her sister and decides to go out on her own and take a stand with others that feel the same way as she does. Along the way she meets this French man, who from what I imagine is a very handsome man. His name is Gaetan. She falls in love with him but he finds her just a girl and very complicated. They part ways and she doesn’t seem him until much later in the story.

Vianne eventually has Germans billeting in her home and feels herself falling for him, which is a big no no. Her husband has been away for sometime and wonders if he’ll ever come back.

Isabelle gets into some trouble down the road and hoards airmen to keep them safe against the Germans. She hides them and rescues them and sets them free into a safe zone. This is where she is now called the Nightingale. Her name is Isabelle Rossignol, also meaning ‘Nightingale’.

The story goes on as Vianne ends up killing the German soldier that’s living in her house, who she was falling for. All because he was ready to kill her sister Isabelle, who was hiding an airman in Vianne’s cellar below the ground in the barn.

Vianne yells for Isabelle to leave her alone and to never come back again. She does as she is told.

Later on in the story, Isabelle is captured and sent to a concentration camp where she is left to die. Vianne meanwhile, is getting raped by the new German that is staying at her home. She winds up getting pregnant. By this time the war is almost over. He leaves the house and never returns. Isabelle is in such a state that she is dying.

Antoine, Vianne’s husband escapes the prison and heads home. Only to find that the two of them are very different then they were. She doesn’t tell him about the pregnancy, so they make love and makes him believe she got pregnant that very night he comes home.

The end Isabelle finally comes home to Vianne’s and they apologize profusely. Gaetan finds her again and confesses his love for her, but it is too late. Isabelle has died in his arms, but she heard him tell her that he loved her. That’s all she needed to hear.

I am amazed at this story. It was well written and very well researched. Kristin Hannah did it again by taking the characters and bringing them to life. I smiled, I cried, I was angry, and I was shocked. So many emotions in a book that I couldn’t believe. This has got to be my favorite one by far from her. She captured everything so well. She did a wonderful job of story-telling where I felt like I was right there with them all of them.

I applaud her for this novel. They’re making a motion picture of this one and I cant wait to see it, to see if it coincides with the book. Sometimes they change things around, which is understandable. But come on, this was just amazing. Through and through.

 

Catching up

Its been awhile since I’ve wrote anything on my blog so I wanted to do some catching up. The year is about to end. It’s crazy how fast the year went.

It was a year ago about a week ago since I published my first novel Braver Than Yesterday (formerly known as Not Alone). I’ve had such a wonderful time experiencing everything that had to do with the writing. Whether it was from the book signings that took place this year to even finishing my second novel From Within. I feel so blessed to have this gift of creativity bestowed upon me. I always wanted to do writing but I was always afraid to dabble with it.

This year I also took a writing course to brush up on skills. It was very informative and interesting. I enjoyed writing stories in the class. I wrote my very first short story and felt compelled to send it to some magazines but have yet to hear from them. It’s all good though, at least I tried.

Also this year I got a second job to help out with bills, which actually hasn’t been too bad. I don’t mind it really.

I lost my grandfather this year which was really sad. I will sure miss him.

There were some health scares in my family but nothing major so that’s good.

In the coming year I’m hoping for some new things. I’m hoping to pick up an agent for my novels. I’m hoping to complete at least two novels this year.

I also would love to expand my family this year. So we’ll see what happens with that. I’m ready for 2018 to be the best year yet. How about you?

 

Part-time Nightmare

I didn’t want to but I feel like I didn’t have a choice. I decided to get a part time job at a local grocery shop just to make some extra cash for Christmas, bills, and what not. Let me tell you, this post is about my experience of that dreadful day.

I was already unhappy that I got a second job and being that I write and it takes up a lot of my time it was hard to put that to the side. My full time job just isn’t cutting it with the times where we are now. Anyways I put on my lovey uniform that we are expected to wear and head off. Driving there was the worse, it was rush hour so it was bumper-to-bumper traffic. I’m waiting patiently listening to some music, trying to get my nerves under control because I’m a thirty something woman and I’m not used to this game anymore. I used to work for many retailers in my day like Best Buy, Sears, American Eagle, Gap, etc. but that was in my early twenties. When I was trying to figure out who I was.

After surviving the nightmare of rush hour I finally make it to my destination and it was a mob scene. I weave through the people just so I can punch in on time. I go up to HR department, because I honestly don’t know what the hell I’m doing or supposed to be doing. They give me an apron and said to meet with this and that person. I’m like, “So where are they?” They tell me just go to the cashiers. So I put the apron on and head downstairs to the front of the store asking for these women that are supposed to train me. I go up to a girl who looks like she’s twelve and been there forever and she’s like uh they’re not here today. I look at her like she has three heads. I’m about to freak out because I’m like this place! She told me stand over by the podium because that’s where people go to wait for managers. So I’m standing there and nobody is coming for me.

Finally I had enough. I go up to one of the managers of the store and tell him my issue. He then proceeded to pass me on to another manager. That manager was like, “Hey come on I’ll take you where you need to go.” He walks me back over to the podium and he radios to another person. This person walks over to us and he appears to be about twenty. The manager then says to this kid, “Hey take care of her will ya.” At this point I feel like nobody knows what they hell they’re doing. This kid oh my god I wanted to punch in the face. He was rude, cocky, obnoxious and just a punk ass kid. He tells me to just bag and go to every cashier for e/o order. So I’m like okay but I’ve never done this before and he’s like don’t worry you’ll get the hang of it and he walks away.

I make my way to the cashiers line to bag and none of the cashiers say hello or even acknowledge I’m there. Now mind you I start looking at all the cashier and they’re all little kids. They’re all probably sixteen but they look like they’re twelve. I start bagging and nobody even says thank you. The only ones that said thank you was an older woman in her fifties and a high school kid. At least they said hello and asked some questions. Other than that, the girls that worked wore heavy makeup, big hoop earring, and gave me dirty looks. I’m thinking why are you looking at me like I just stole your job or even their boyfriends.

I was there a total of four hours and right before my shift is over, they said did you get your fifteen min break and I’m like no. They sent me to go on break and I take it. The rude ass dude from earlier hands me a pumpkin pie and some seafood from the deli to bring back to these departments. Mind you, I have no idea where any of this shit is. So I go do what I need to do and eventually find where there items are supposed to go and then I go on break. Fifteen mins go by and I’m like, “I have fifteen minutes left here.” So I stand there bagging what I can and then I’m gone. I was about to quit and never come back because that was hell on earth. There was poor management unlike I’ve ever seen. I called the HR department and let them know what an awful experience I had and that I was going to quit. She called me back and told me that there was an opening in a different department so I decided to take it. Needless to say, so far this has been working out. I’ll never go back to that nightmare ever again.

That was my awful experience and I wanted to write about it. People today are just ridiculous, especially teenagers. If I don’t have a screen on my face, then I guess I’m not worth talking to. Today’s youth lack social skills without a doubt. It’s a damn shame.

M.

Birthdays…

I love birthdays, I don’t care what anyone says. I know some people who hate them but I love them. Another year older and little more wiser. They just make me feel special. My birthday was yesterday and it was a wonderful day.

I took off from work to get a massage with my mama which was great! I really needed it. My husband treated me to some shopping and then we went out to dinner. While at dinner I received some fantastic news that an agent is requesting my work. I’m not going to get my hopes up but hey it’s finally nice to get recognized . I wrote my first book almost a year ago and wrote my second book about six months after that. The third book (which is the sequel to the second) is taking a little bit longer due to personal issues. It’s getting there, I’m a little over halfway done.

Anyways as I’m distracted by all that I just wanted to say birthdays are amazing. It means you made it another year and you have another year to look forward to. I know people always say “I’m getting old” well no shit, that’s the joys of growing and aging lol. Growing goes with experience I think.

I’m very appreciative to all the people that wished me a happy birthday yesterday. Friends and family and strangers 🙂 means a lot to me!

M.

Halloween

As the holidays are approaching rapidly I’m pulled to one of my favorite holidays, which is Halloween. I love it! The ghouls and goblins come out and it’s just a downright scary holiday. I love scary anything so this fits me to a T. My favorite genre of film is horror/science fiction. Stephen King is my favorite author so I can’t go wrong there. Last night I went on to Netflix and was excited to finally see Gerald’s Game was out so I immediately turned it on. Let me tell you, don’t watch this flick by yourself. After it was over I went outside to let my dogs out and I was scared shitless! I literally freaked myself out and ran back in the house hahaa it was pretty hilarious. So if you haven’t seen that then I recommend you watch it. I also since I’m a huge fan of the King I decided to watch the series The Mist. I have seen the movie but I was intrigued with what the series held. I turned it on and it was so different, different I mean then the movie. Of course the CGI was a lot better but I wasn’t all that impressed with the acting skills in that show. I will continue to watch it however because I only watched one episode and I was kind of stoked because the woman from the Vikings is in it.

So besides the movies and the television shows, there are books. I love horror novels as well. They give me a type of thrill and rush, especially Stephen King’s. So being that it is Halloween I recommend picking up a good thrilling novel. I just read Black Magick by an acquaintance of mine and I couldn’t put it down. It was thrilling and scary and it had just the right amount of evil in it. Whether you celebrate Halloween or not you can still enjoy a good spooky novel.

Also I wanted to let you know that the author expo is coming up! Yes sir ladies and gentleman it is November 4th in Bensalem, PA so if you’re in the area you should stop by. Click the link below to find out all the information and who will be there! Hope to see you there and Happy Halloween!!

Author Expo information